The Transvestite, The Dealer, and The Chambermaid

“Jesus Christ Frank; what the hell happened to you?”

The large group of friends turned and stared at Frank Slates black and blue face with cut marks, as he started to explain, “Well I…”

“Did you get into a fight?”

“No, I…”

“You walked into a train?”

“Or an industrial sized fan?”

“Th…the power went off abruptly a-as you were going down an escalator?”

“Imaginative Jack, but no.”

“I have a guess!”

“Calm down, Rizzo!”

“I know what happened,” said the silhouette of a leather capped young man, standing confidently with one foot on The Rock, and lighting a Tijuana Small cigar, looking away, out onto the Brandywine River. “You paid a hooker for some rough sex. She tied you up to the bed, pulled your shirt up, your pants down, then circled the bed like a shark while pounding your body with a soap on a rope. The soap finally broke off and flew across the room; she sat on top of your ankles and went down for a while, bringing you to the brink of orgasm.”

“So far, you’re pretty close.”

“She stopped, stared at you, and laughed sadistically. You wanted to come but you were tied up and there was nothing you could do. She sat on your stomach and slapped you silly on either side of the face with rough open hands. It was then it hit you just how very strong she was for a woman. Then, as if confirming your anxious suspicion, she stood up and pulled her pants down, revealing the largest cock you’d ever seen, and dangled it tauntingly above your head.”

“Ahh, no……that didn’t happen.”

“Yes it did, and furthermore, you still wanted to come; you didn’t care how. So you focused only on her…his…..its…long beautiful blonde hair and smooth tan complexion, an angel from the neck up. You were mesmerized by its beauty to the point where you didn’t even mind the cock now jarrming in and out of your mouth. That’s right, you sucked the monstrosity in total bewildering admiration, but you were not sure why.”

“I’m not sure why you’re saying all this.”

“Maybe it was the irresistible cleavage, the smooth hairless legs and firm buttocks, or, perhaps it was just about it all being the largest cock you had ever seen, and you didn’t mind…didn’t mind at all…She….it…did the work for you as it stood on the bed with its hands on its sides thrusting its pelvis, shoving itself in and out of your mouth as the back of your head hit the wall violently, over and over and over again until the thing laughed hysterically and came on your face.”


“Yes, just like that …………… were confused…”

“You’re confused; you know that?”

“…humiliated. He ….she… up to leave, but you were angry, and, finally managing to break free of the Hoover vacuum belts that had you bound to the bed, you lunged at it with intent to kill…her…him…it….whatever….but you forgot that your pants were still on, down by your ankles at this point, and you tripped and fell, smashing your head through the glass coffee table.”

“Now that part really happened, sort of.”

“Eeeww. Frank, you’re disgusting.”

“You lay on the floor helpless, as the thing looked down on you in seductive victory.” Mahdakis took a drag off his Tijuana. “Then it got weird.”


(inhale-exhale) “Here we go.”

“The beautiful transvestite walked over to the bed-stand and, with all its brute strength, ripped the clock radio out of the wall and tore the cord out from the insides of the device. It then began to whip you with the electrical cord, laughing sardonically as it pulled out a copy of Gideon’s’ Bible and recited passages from Leviticus 18. It finally dawned on you that coming here was probably a bad idea……You defecated yourself and began crying for your mother, and then… a phantom, she exited the room, presumably leaving you for dead…or worse………. alone…to die in your own excrement, blood, and semen.”

“None of that ever happened! This isn’t true,” Frank pleaded for a moment of sanity.

“Then…..” the silhouetted figure continued.

“There’s even more?” –Bobble-bobble-bobble “Someone shut him the fuck up, will ya.”

“The chamber maid came in.”

“Now we’re talkin’. Ha-ha.”

“Goiter, shut up and stop rubbing your palms together,” a voice said. “That’s very disturbing.”

“Shut up! I wanna hear how it ends.”

“….But it wasn’t really a chamber maid. It was an FBI agent who had been working undercover as a chamber maid for the better part of six months, trying to bust up a heroin ring, headed by the owner of the hotel. Frank wasn’t part of the plan, just in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

“I wasn’t at any place at any time. Where you getting’ all this from?”

“….And the FBI agent, well, he was just being a chamber maid.”


“Yes…he was undercover as a she, and he saw you lying there, Frank; bleeding and helpless. But there was no time. The agent had just been made by one of the dealers. He needed to get out of the building…..and fast! So he swapped clothes with you, taking his wig off his head and putting it on yours, then he boogied out of the room, and ultimately, the building.”

“Is that it?”



“The dealer busted into the room and saw you lying on the floor in a wig and a chamber maid outfit and smashed the butt end of his rifle against your ear before realizing that he had the wrong cross-dresser……

“I’m not a cross-dresser.”

“….But, being one to always seize the moment, the drug dealer eagerly unbuttoned his pants. He pulled out his…….”

“Alright….we get it!”

“Fuckin’ aye, dude. Take a valium.”

“And THAT is what happened to Frank.” Mahdakis puffed on his cigar.

“That was my guess,” Rizzo said, “I was going to say the same thing.”


© 2012 Mark Rogers

Crimes Seen Front Cover

 Crimes Seen

(Book II)


Click here for more inane drivel and lascivious behavior – brought to you exclusively by The B.U.R.N.O.U.T.S. Chronicles™




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